I’m out!

31 March is International Trans Day of Visibility, a day dedicated to celebrating transgender people and raising awareness of discrimination faced by transgender people worldwide, as well as a celebration of their contributions to society. We are marking the day here by publishing this guest blog by Alice Appleby, a regular visitor to the North Pennines.

Guest blog by Alice Appleby

“I am out!” Those were the words I uttered to the sound of curlews above Weardale in the North Pennines AONB after lockdown restrictions had been relaxed in May 2020. The words meant more than escaping Covid travel restrictions; this was my coming out of the closet video released on YouTube in June 2020.

I pressed the button releasing the video to the world and sat back waiting to see my 800+ subscribers plummet. Within the hour, I had lost 2 subscribers and I went to bed anticipating a lot more. It was the day that I legally changed my name to Alice. The next day, however, I saw an increase to 1,600 subscribers as the LGBTQ+ communities rallied around to support me.

I’ve known that I was transgender since the age of two. I didn’t have the terminology but I knew that I was supposed to be a girl but I also knew I had to keep it secret. Coming out of the closet as transgender was a slow and difficult process but that is largely a story for a different day. Today’s story is about Transgender Day of Visibility, which is on 31 March.

My introduction to the North Pennines was when I was at school. I was violently bullied relentlessly at school with almost daily beatings from my peers who initially assumed that I was gay but after a few years, I just became everyone’s punching bag. We had to choose a fun activity to do after our GCSEs and I chose the option where I expected the least number of people. I found myself in a car with a teacher and two other pupils driving between different historical mining sites, smelt works, and old railways exploring our industrial past. I loved it! The old lead mine sites with their ruined buildings and dry stone arches brought up images of Middle Earth and the mines of Moria. The wide open spaces of the moorlands, the sounds of nesting birds, the solitude of the place were an amazing escape from the everyday violence of school.

Many years and tribulations later, I found myself being suspended by the University from my PhD because of health issues caused by stress, anxiety and depression. That was being compounded with increasing gender dysphoria. On the advice of my supervisors I started walking. My first major hike was a failed attempt at Isaac’s Tea Trail which forms a loop between Allendale and Alston. With a friend, we had attempted to do the trail in two days but by midday of the first day we were lost on the moors with cramp in both legs. We hobbled back to Allendale and then visited the spectacular Ashgill Force the following day.  We were later to complete the trail in four sections as recommended in the guide book.

Doing Isaac’s Tea Trail introduced me to summit bagging when we took a detour to bag the summit of The Dodd, my first 2,000ft summit. Summit bagging is when you seek out the summits of prominent hills of certain heights. Those over 2,000ft are considered mountains and are named Hewitts and Nuttalls depending on their prominence. Those between 500-610m are considered Deweys and I went on to do all the prominent summits in Northumberland and Co. Durham above 500m. The Isaac Tea Trail also rekindled my love for our lead mining heritage as I took my daughter crystal hunting in streams for pieces of purple fluorspar, quartz, and silvery galena (lead ore). I also walked the Lead Road from Blaydon to Killhope lead mining museum, start of the Weardale Way which I also completed and it was spectacular.

I found that hiking and the solitude of the North Pennines really helped me with my stress, depression and anxiety but it sadly did nothing for my gender dysphoria which was getting increasingly worse as I was forced to accept my third master degree instead of my PhD despite having passed my viva; and then later found myself unemployed forcing the cancellation of my plans to walk the Pennine Way.

Being unemployed caused all sorts of problems, just the task of ticking the Mr and Male boxes on application forms became very distressing to the point where I found myself shaking all day trying to tick a little box. Just writing my old name started to cause me physical pain; I would get stabbing pains in my heart. My gender dysphoria was truly out of control and I found myself once more trying to take my own life but this time I sought help.

Eventually, I found help from the charity Be who helped me learn to accept myself for who I am. Today, I am currently hiking through Northumberland and I volunteer for the charity that helped me.